Questions

It seems that every year I have this internal struggle as an artist, but this year it seems more expansive than in years past. This morning I’ve been thinking about who I am, the work I create, what calls me to be creative, what drives my artistic hand. The answer used to be that I paint because I feel called to, I need to, it’s an unwavering desire to put paint on canvas. Is that true? Every year I sit down and determine what I have or have not done to be fulfilled as an artist and every year I come up short. I apply to things and get rejected almost constantly, which leads to feelings of inadequacy. I tell myself, “you worry too much about other people’s expectations, you just need to paint what you want to paint and stop seeking approval”. And every year I start that process over again only to slowly fall back into the patterns of approval seeking and losing my voice.

This time though it feels different. This time I have been asking myself “what even is your voice?”. I have focused on symbolism in my work for so long, I have researched different aspects of each piece so that I have a concept and idea behind every addition. I told myself, that’s you, you love symbolism. But do I? I include a lot of symbolism because I love flowers, plants, animals, rocks and minerals. I love the moon and stars, the sound of the wind, watching bees and listening to the birds. That’s why I include those things in my work, not because a love of symbolism but because of a love of nature.

Then I ask myself why I paint. I think I paint because of a drive to, like I mentioned, but do I? Do I paint because I feel so called to that I must or do I paint because I so badly want to be an artist, to continue the path I have been on for decades? I’m not actually that good at painting. I’m not actually that good at conceptualizing pieces. I love painting, I really do, but more so I love being creative. Right now I’m struggling with what that creativity is calling me to do.

I don’t know if it’s the state of world, the realities of living in a capitalist imperialist society that values profit and war over human lives and the planet, but I don’t know what I am supposed to do as an artist. I want to be part of a community, I want to help enact change, I want to live a life that is sustainable and communal, and painting these little paintings and posting on Instagram and going to work at a restaurant doesn’t feel like it fits with any of that. I tell myself making art is revolutionary because I want to think that I’m doing something to make the world better, but I’m not really. Right now I want to throw a bucket of paint on my work. Right now I want to break every stretcher and throw everything in a dumpster.

What am I called to do? What am I good at? What I’m actually good at is hugging my children, watching bumblebees, listening to the wind blow through the trees. Right now I don’t really feel good at anything else. What I want is to grow flowers and food, to take care of animals and my children, to have artists come and stay and walk through the woods and talk about life and death and pain and love. I want to facilitate growth for everyone and thing around me. I don’t know if I want to paint. I don’t know if I want to make any art. I might just want to make blankets and dry flowers and nurture and love.

If you’ve made it this far thank you for indulging my ramblings. I hope that this at least might help someone else to feel that they’re not alone if they feel the same way. Let’s create community together. Let’s hold each other close and support each other. That’s really all we can do in this beautiful terrible world.

Walking in the redwoods in July

Some notes on Gentleness

My current work in progress is about gentleness. I’ve been reflecting on gentleness a lot this year: gentleness with my children, with the people I interact with daily, with my parents, and mostly with myself. The state of our world makes it so easy to be hard, to be angry, to feel like everyone is an other, to feel divided, right, or entitled. On a more personal level I am often so hard on myself: why am I not more patient, more kind, more driven, more successful, smarter, but also more assertive? I am my worst critic and rarely give myself the grace I so often give other people. This is something I’m working on and therefore something I have been thinking about a lot. So, since this series is about healing, this piece is about one of these important aspects of my healing journey. There are always three components to each piece in this series and this one explores gentleness through the opossum, irises, and rose quartz.

Gentleness detail in progress, the first layers on this area

Opossums may not seem like gentle creatures to many people, as most people see them as pests: they hiss and seem aggressive, but in reality they are perfect symbols for this piece. Opossums think strategically, they are adaptable, resourceful, and grounded creatures. What do you do when you’re backed into a corner? What do you do when you’re overwhelmed? The possum teaches me two lessons here. I can stand and hiss, bare my teeth, or I can play dead. I can become aggressive or I can remain true to my gentle nature. Both of these reactions are okay; I can make an assertive stand and still be a gentle person. I can retreat and turn inward, then come back to life with lessons learned, moving gently through life. Opossums remind me to stay grounded and connected, to adapt to changes.

Irises have long been a symbol of the Greek goddess Iris, who carried messages from heaven to Earth. They symbolize truth. Their strong stems and delicate petals symbolize strength, stability, and gentleness. Emerging in the spring, they symbolize renewal and rebirth as many flowers of spring do, but they also represent the truth that emerges after a time of darkness or uncertainty.

The last symbol I’m using in this piece is rose quartz. One of my favorite stones, strongly connected with my sign of Taurus, known as the heart stone, rose quartz fosters inner healing and self love along with unconditional love and peace. The vibration of rose quartz is connected to the feminine divine, reminding us to mother ourselves with loving care and tenderness. Rose quartz beckons us to heal ourselves, find our strength, self soothe, find our potential, and give ourselves love and compassion.

I hope that today you remember to be gentle with yourself and with others. There is strength in gentleness. Love with compassion and understanding, remembering that we all endure pain and that we are all here together sharing in our humanity. I hope that we can all move through life without an impenetrable hardness within us or around us, so that we react to each other and ourselves with warmth and softness.

Divination

This piece is partly a tribute to the Redwood Forest and partly an investigation into the divinity of the forest.

Hummingbirds are seen by many cultures as messengers from the spirit realm. Although small, hummingbirds have a significant impact on the ecological system and life on Earth. In their harmonious partnership with flowers they take sweetness and in return pollinate other flowers. Hummingbirds give and receive what they need to sustain their life. Although their small bodies hum and beat with quick energy they also take time to rest, able to go into a state called torpor. They are a reminder to handle challenges in life with grace and agility, to enjoy the sweetness of life, that small actions can have a large impact, and that spirit guides are present.

Foxgloves were once called “fairy’s gloves” because the disturbed soil in which they grew was thought to be the territory of little folk. Some believed the spots on the flowers were fairy fingerprints. They were also thought to be fairy bells, warning each other when danger was coming. They are said to bob and shake even when there is no breeze because they are bowing to unseen forces and that their dew could be collected to cast spells to aid in communicating with fairies. Foxglove are potentially fatally poisonous if ingested while also used for medicinal purposes to treat ailments of the heart. This duality of good and evil symbolizes the harmony and balance of life. They are symbols of magic and healing and of communicating with unseen forces.

In this piece the hummingbird carries golden thread. The tangled threads of destiny are untied and allows a clear connection to the spirit world. The golden thread runs through all on Earth; it connects all beings, past, present, future. It runs through individuals and connects them to themselves and others.

Doors are opened when we connect with each other, life on Earth, and the universe. This painting for me is a reminder to remain open to my intuition, to the Earth, to the universe, and to each other; to remember that we are all connected by the golden thread of life running through us, the air, the water, the Earth, and the stars.

Who are we?

So much death. So many who are promoting war. When will our humanity return? When will people crave peace over bombs? Our tax dollars are complicit in genocide, millions of people’s money going to things that would destroy life rather than protect it. When will we wake up? When will our collective consciousness rouse enough to put an end to this insanity?

What is the point of life when there is so much death, so little care for others, so much greed and lust for power? Do those over one million children in Palestine get a moment of peace? Can we in the U.S. even comprehend the terror and despair? Are we so separate, so self-absorbed?

I keep seeing pictures of dead children, children shaking in terror. They are surviving one air strike just to be killed in another. They have been living a life without access to clean water, food, or electricity, and now they spend their final moments on this earth watching their loved ones die around them, blown to pieces, smashed by rubble. Then dying themselves.

Photo by Belal Khaled, photojournalist in Gaza. A father embracing his son who was injured by an Israeli air strike that bombed his family home in Khan Yunis Oct. 19

What is this world we have created? No ones who has ever existed deserves a life like that.

The people of Palestine deserve freedom. The innocent civilians of Israel and Palestine deserve peace. Please call your representatives and demand a ceasefire.

Still of video by Belal Mortaja, a child crying for his mother after being injured by an Israeli air strike in Gaza Oct. 20

Strings

I wanted to talk a little bit about my current work in progress, Strings. Named for the theory in physics in which tiny vibrational filaments which are string like are found at particle levels, even for those as small as a quark. The vibrational patterns of different strings produce different particle properties. Essentially strings are vibration and are a part of everything. String theory also suggests the possibility of ten to eleven other dimensions. Its a lot to explain in a little blog, but a good book I found to help explain the theory is The Elegant Universe by Brian Greene. I read this book a few months ago and had been reflecting on and trying to understand (I still don’t really get it lol) the theory and its implications to humanity.

The idea of strings connecting everything in the universe is, for me, a very spiritual theory. What I found most enthralling was the connection. I have been thinking a lot about connection the last few months. Who are we as human beings outside of patriarchal imperialist capitalism and religion? Essentially we are all one connected entity, connected not only to each other but to everything on Earth, Earth herself, and every celestial body in the universe. When I started this piece I was thinking of this, of this bond of energy that connects us all.

Bats are a symbol of rebirth, of shadow work, of transformation. They dwell in dark caves during the day, leaving at night to pollinate, sowing seeds to regenerate the ecosystem, they use echolocation to read their surroundings, listening intently, then returning to the Earth’s womb before daylight.

In light of recent events this month I find it even more important to think about these two ideas of connection, the bond of energy between us, and shadow work and transformation. How will we continue our existence? Will we recognize the connection we all have to each other, the humanity and energy we all possess, that we are all one part of this vast universe? Or will we continue to be divided, to dehumanize each other, to allow our small and insignificant differences to tear us apart? Will we continue to treat our fellow humans as other or will we end the violence and atrocities that we continue to justify for the benefit of only imperialist patriarchal systems of oppression? Will we recognize that we are destroying Earth and her womb, mothers and children, entire families and cultures while we sit back idly watching and thinking there is nothing to be done? Will we allow genocide to happen before our very eyes and do nothing to stop it?

I like to think that humans are inherently connected, good, and loving people. Our oppressive systems of society will lead us to believe otherwise, but we can find our morality if we stop and listen to each other rather than those systems designed to tear us apart. Everyday I pray that we find our mutual humanity and connection, that we recognize the miracle of our existence here on this beautiful planet in this perfect place in the universe, that we acknowledge our vast similarities rather than differences. That we stop justifying mass murder, racism, xenophobia, greed, and power. That we embrace peace.

Free Palestine.

String, in progress, October 2023 oil on canvas

Current Series in Progress

I thought I should take a few minutes to talk about the series I’ve been working on for a few months now. The black rat snake painting, titled Healing, was the first in this series and the current work on my easel, titled Growth, featuring the wolf spider is the second. I have a third in the works, but its only as far as researching and notes. The sketching part will probably happen in the next two weeks. The third piece will be about transformation and feature a crow and of course flowers and a few other things.

Healing came to me after months of struggling with my life as an artist, my role in the arts community, with coming to terms with multiple rejections. I was reflecting on my life as a mother and wife, the decisions that led me to where I am today, and struggling with figuring out who I am and want to be. I had decided to take a break and paint my youngest daughter to help clear my mind and get back to painting for myself, rather than painting for likes or acceptance by organizations. I was sitting on my couch drinking coffee when suddenly a vision of a Black Rat snake entangled in chain but peaceful and breaking free came to me. I immediately got up and started sketching. As I got to work on the painting I realized how much the piece was about healing. It was partly about letting go of all of the rejections, but on a deeper level it was about letting go of others perceptions of me in general. As I painted I felt more of myself returning. I have spent the last couple of years in deep reflection about my life purpose and about why I am the way I am, but mostly about WHO I am deeply when all mine and others’ expectations and perceptions of me are stripped away.

So, this series is about that. Its about stripping away everything and getting to the core of who I am. Healing helped me discover what I really needed, Growth is now aiding me in finding my voice and who I want to be to the core. There is a lot of symbolism in each of the pieces. I use symbolism through plants and animals in all of my pieces, but in the past the focus was on portraiture. With this series I can delve fully into symbolism without the distraction of a human form.

Healing

In Healing the snake symbolizes multiple things. Black Rat snakes are an omen of good fortune. Snakes in general represent transformation and rebirth. As she sheds her skin she reveals a healed being within, full of feminine power. Similarly, daffodils have long been a symbol of rebirth and revival. They are also powerful signifiers of resilience, hope, and forgiveness. The chain holds contradictory symbolism. Some people could interpret the chain as symbolizing oppression, but it is also a symbol of interdependence and interconnectivity, and connection. In this case the chain is comprised of copper. Copper has strong links to love, sex, desire, and the ritual of marriage. Copper conducts energy and is often used to clear and ward off negative energy. The snake in the piece has been entangled in chain but we see that the chain is broken and sliding off of her body, she is no longer constrained by the bonds which oppress her.

Growth, detail but still in progress

In Growth the Wolf Spider symbolizes patience, balance and interconnection, and patience. She represents manifestation, specifically in the power to envision or feel what she wants to create and then manifest that into the real world through action. She weaves her destiny and steps into her power. She has gone into the shadow to heal and grow and now emerges stronger and more insightful. Pearls symbolize wisdom gained through experience. Pearls are created when mollusks are attempting to rid themselves of something causing distress. They coat the toxin in a material called argonite, an iridescent and incredibly strong material. Pearls represent this tending to suffering with care. White sage holds a lot of symbolism, particularly in its ritualistic use in Native American cultures. Here the sage symbolizes wisdom gained through experience and thoughtfulness. This piece is about weaving a life that’s dreamed of, manifesting our own reality, its about effortless creation; but its also about going into our darkness and returning to the light in order to grow and find wisdom. The spider tends to her den of pearls, pearls formed by tending to her distress and creating something beautiful from her darkness. She weaves of a life of strength, she dwells in the shadow to emerge grown, fresh, wise, and full of feminine power.

Growth, still in progress

I will try to post more often on here with insight into each piece rather than focusing all of this writing on instagram. Here there is more space and its easier to sit at a keyboard and type this out from my thoughts and notes. When I start the piece about transformation and whatever comes after that one I will write about those here and then maybe I’ll summarize all of it in one post at the end. I don’t know, I’m just winging it. Thanks for joining me on this journey!

Some background & in progress photos of the current series I’m working on

I wanted to write a little bit about this series I started. The idea for it came last year before the pandemic or the culmination of years of racial injustice erupted into the protests across the country. After the country changed I wondered if the series was worth doing, I had only just started the first portrait and I seriously considered scrapping the whole thing and waiting to pick it back up later. But ultimately I decided that maybe honoring these bright spirits was something positive I could put into the world right now.
The series started as a way for me to honor the women in my life who I know personally that I felt were contributing to the world in both large and small ways through their gifts of wisdom, grace, warmth, and gratitude. I wasn’t sure of exactly everyone but I knew I wanted to focus on women who I saw as healers, protectors of the most vulnerable, and nurturers. I think a lot of women underestimate the positive effect that even their smallest actions can have on the environment around them and I wanted to honor that effect by attempting to truly see them and the gifts they bring to the universe. It’s been really fulfilling for me to try to look at these women in my life and attempt to see deeper, to see not just the obvious gifts they bear but also the real warmth of their spirits.
These two are still in progress. First is Sarah, who’s depth of healing energy seems without end. She heals in an obvious way by making sustainable body care and practicing energy work, but her presence in and of itself feels like a healing energy for any emotional grievances I’m carrying. I don’t think I’m the only person that would say that. She heals, protects, and fights fiercely for the earth in a way that inspires you to follow her quiet yet searing passion.

Sarah

Next is Evie. On the surface it’s obvious, she’s vegan, she helps rehabilitate animals, she has an amazing garden, she’s a ceramic artist. But in her garden she nurtures every animal she encounters, from the smallest insect to the city dwelling opossum. She is a fierce protector in the most gentle and most full of grace manner, of animals great and small but also of people.

Evie (only half done here)

Both of these woman embody the kind of powerful gifts that will change our society into an equitable and just place to live. They are full of compassion, empathy, wisdom, acceptance, and love.
I am fortunate to know enough women like them to make a series of portraits honoring them. This series will probably take me a few years but I am excited to share them as they come.

BLM

https://secure.actblue.com/donate/ms_blm_homepage_2019

https://donate.splcaction.org/sslpage.aspx?pid=1549

https://action.aclu.org/give/demand-justice-now

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BRlF2_zhNe86SGgHa6-VlBO-QgirITwCTugSfKie5Fs/mobilebasic

https://kclibrary.bibliocommons.com/list/share/704180288_readersservices_kcmo/1648191999_this_week_in_the_news_blacklivesmatter_in_kansas_city

https://www.adhoc.fm/post/black-lives-matter-resources-and-funds/

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art + mental health + quarantine

When I updated my website yesterday I changed some things around and the option for a blog came up again. I had deleted the option in my previous version but this time I paused. I’ve never blogged before. I enjoy writing but I doubt that anyone would particularly want to read anything I write. I was going to say that I’m not sure what’s changed, but the whole world has changed. It’s changed for everyone. So I decided, why not, I’ll type some stuff no one will read and treat this space as a kind of journal.

Art + my mental health + quarantine. I’m 37 years old and it took me 35 years to finally understand that anxiety isn’t all panic attacks and mental breakdowns. It’s the voice telling you that you raised your voice at your child and why are you such a terrible mother and you should probably tell them you love them since you just lost your patience and why aren’t you working on that piece you started and why aren’t you making them try to eat salads everyday and why aren’t you eating less drinking less worrying less but definitely not worrying enough and what’s going to happen if you post that picture of the piece you’ve worked on for weeks and no one likes it, no one is going to like it, everyone is better at this than you, nothing you are doing is original, nothing you’re doing is good enough, nobody cares, you shouldn’t care, if you don’t care about this then all you are is a mother and wife, but you’re doing everything wrong as a mother and you’re a terrible wife. It’s being so worried about not doing something right or good enough that you just don’t do it.
I think acknowledging it, knowing I can give it a name, that this isn’t a normal experience for most people but also understanding that I’m definitely not alone helps. I’m also lucky, or maybe we're not lucky but just together, that my two sisters had this revelation around the same time. We are able to talk about it and also make fun of it and laugh about “why are we like this?!”.

I feel like I was doing okay. I was giving myself grace and trying not to let my bad days ruin my week. Then the pandemic started. I lost my job bartending, which was the source of income enabling my artistic practice and helping put food on our table. My girls’ schools closed. I had to move most of my studio home. I had to try to find some way to teach my kids, continue my artistic practice, keep everyone sane, and make three meals a day every day for five people. At first it was refreshing to be home with my family and not have to make excuses for not leaving the house. I’ve always been a bit of a homebody and it was nice to be able to just stay in and clean and rearrange my furniture. I started some new work and got a couple commissions done. Then I stopped working on my new pieces. Then I decided to pull up carpet. I started a mural. And a reupholstery project. I rearranged again. I baked bread and scones and banana bread and muffins and cake and brownies. I decided it’s quarantine so it’s ok to have a glass of wine at 3 in the afternoon. I started waking up at 1am every night and not falling back asleep until my husband left for work at 5am then waking up at 7:30 to make breakfast for my kids.
This week I decided I didn’t feel like working on my mural or upholstery project and all of my home studio had to get packed up to make space for mural work, so I couldn’t do that either. I couldn’t do anything to keep myself busy and I realized, oh, I’m freaking out. What will happen when this is over? When will I get my job back? Will I want to go back? Why did we decide to refinance before this shit hit the fan? What if one of us dies? Every night an endless stream of questions and worries rolled through my mind. I didn’t even realize I wasn’t taking care of myself until I was about to breakdown.

So yesterday I moved my studio back to my studio. I folded fabric and rearranged my space and hung up the pieces I started at the beginning of this mess. I told myself everything will be ok. I wanted to focus on my art and design practice this year. This was my goal. So I must go do it. I will remember that my husband’s and kids’ hugs melt away my fears and to stand in my garden and feel my feet on the earth and breathe. Everything will be ok.

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